Happy 84th Birthday, Tom Lehrer!

Rejoice and Hallelujah, there is a YouTube channel devoted entirely to the wonderful satiric songs of Tom Lehrer.

Mr. Lehrer, professor, mathematician, poet and writer-performer today celebrates his 84th birthday.



Way Too Damn Lazy To Write A Blog enthusiastically salutes Tom Lehrer: still subversive after all these years.



Brilliant turns of phrase, advanced wordplay, witty one-liners and trenchant satire have given Tom's songs staying power, as well as the ability, after repeated listenings, to still surprise and delight.



All subsequent efforts to pattern musical comedy acts on the Tom Lehrer model (Mark Russell in particular) pale in comparison.

Another Newly Discovered Philosopher-Guru by Paul F. Etcheverry

Found in the ruins, alongside ribald drawings and disgusting, unwashed rice bowls: crumpled, scrawled foolscap jam-packed with the folksy 6th century B.C. wisdom of Richard "Dickie" Zhu. Lao Tzu, A.K.A. "The Old Master", vehemently denounced Dickie, repeatedly denied that the two were related and changed his address to avoid him on seventeen different occasions.

“Whoever can see through all fear is one crazy motherfucker.”

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with cheap airfare and an airport bar."

"He who knows does not speak. He who speaks does not know. He who does not know and speaks hosts a talk radio program."

"He who knows that enough is enough will always remember how to spell enough."

"Even ordinary women at the rice wine bar can be brilliant.
I alone grope in the dark.
Please let me remember what her name is before sunrise."

"Nature needs few words. And it's FUCKING COLD out."

"A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to buy my comfy La-Z Taoist couch."

2010's First Philosopher, Guru And Mystic Du Jour by Paul F. Etcheverry

Rescued from moldy, disgusting scrolls, the following recently discovered quotations from painfully and justifiably obscure poet (and goat parking attendant to 13th century Sufis) Joey Al-Donnie Roomie:

“The lion is most handsome when looking for food, as long as dinner doesn't resemble me."

"Burdens are the foundations of excruciating lower back disease and bitter chocolates the forerunners of pleasure."

"And when I die again, I will soar past the angels to places that accept coupons."

"Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other at Jalil al-Ascuaga's Desert Inn later that night."

"Everyone is so afraid of death, but the real sufis just laugh, mostly at all the stupid shits around them."

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a parking lot. I will meet you there - if it's still open and I can find where the fuck it is.”

"You already have the precious mixture that will make you well. Now give it to me."

"Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round and then irritates the shit out of you in another form."

“Now I am sober and there's only the hangover and the memory of Jalil al-Ascuaga's Desert Inn .”

"In silence there is eloquence. So shut the fuck up."

Bay Area Sports News Flashes by Paul F. Etcheverry

The Golden State Warriors traded Monta Ellis to the Memphis Grizzlies for a bologna sandwich, with bologna to be named later. Coach Don Nelson is currently publicly humiliating two pieces of Wonder Bread. Team President Robert Rowell is at Retro Fit Vintage getting properly fitted for a Napoleon-style commandant outfit. Owner Chris Cohan is on his knees thanking God for Al Davis.

The Next Philosopher Guru Returns by Paul F. Etcheverry

Found hastily scribbled on dilapidated foolscap in the back of an abandoned 1995 Ford Taurus in Hoboken, New Jersey, the sometimes trenchant observations of Al Confucius Johnson, philosopher, slacker, beer drinker:

"The superior man is correctly firm, and not merely firm, but has a prescription for Viagra waiting at the pharmacy nonetheless."

"When anger rises, think of how much diabolical fun revenge can be!"

"I want you to be everything that's you, deep at the center of your being, until it's inconvenient."

"He who will not economize has one big-ass check coming from the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP)."

"You cannot open a dirty book without learning something."

"Everything has its beauty but undergoes plastic surgery anyway."

"Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue, but sell snake oil, derivatives and political parties exceptionally well."

"He who speaks without modesty will get laid."

"Those who neither speak slander that gradually soaks into the mind, nor statements that startle like a wound in the flesh, are . . . pretty much impossible to find in this life."

"The superior man thinks always of virtue; the common man thinks of comfort. The common man sells the superior man a La-Z Boy at 15% off."

The Next Philosopher Guru by Paul F. Etcheverry

Found scribbled on lined stationery in the back of a cab in Trenton, New Jersey, the wise words of Al Confucius Johnson, philosopher, beer drinker.

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, make a sandwich."

"I am not one who was born in the possession of knowledge. I am one who is in possession of a 1971 Archie, Jughead and Veronica comic."

"Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night involving more than six tall boys of Mickey's Big Mouth."

"I hear and I forget. I see and I forget. I do and I forget. I go to the bathroom and I forget. I forget and I forget."

"If you find your place in the world, make sure there's a bathroom nearby."

"Respect yourself and others will still tell you to commit physically impossible sexual acts."

"He who exercises government by means of his virtue will not get any campaign contributions."

"He who wears his heart on his sleeve will end up with bloody shirt-sleeves and some explaining to do at the dry cleaners."

"He who feels connected to all beings must always remember to wear pants."

Good Advice by Paul F. Etcheverry

In a moment of sleep deprivation and, admittedly, bad habits-induced insecurity a couple of weeks back, I perused the Internet for 'advice'. My quick reaction: DON'T EVER DOOOOOOO THAT (in the immortal words of mid-1930's radio comic Joe Penner).

The relationship advice was the worst - and I fled the computer in complete disgust before even getting to the men's and women's magazines of the world. The gist of the online drivel was:

• "Conceal who you really are - never speak openly and candidly about anything - to get what you want."


• "Be somebody else to get what you want."


• "Dumb down - be a stupid shit to get what you want."


• "Do - or don't do - these specific things to manipulate that next person into having a mindless, drooling, brain-dead crush on you (A.K.A. play these games to get what you want)."


• "Give us your credit card number, and those of all your family members and business associates - and we'll give you the secret to attracting what you want in forty-six easy-to-digest lessons."


• "Make that person jealous to get what you want. Say you're wildly, insanely attracted to somebody else and keep rubbing it in, over and over, until you see the hurt bleeding from their eyes."


• "Become anorexic or get liposuction so you'll get what you want".


• "Break into an understaffed morgue, steal a handsome head and get it surgically attached. Or find an unattended extra-large mammal and whack its member off. . . or better yet, determine exactly where the pickled preserved penis of John Dillinger is located - and have it surgically attached, so you'll get what you want."


• "Guys, get a French maid outfit, wear it with pumps, apply Day-Glo ultramarine shadow, dance your best version of 'The Macarena' and sing 'There's No Business Like Show Business'. She'll go nuts and give you what you want."


• "Hollow out a pumpkin, carve a face resembling Nikita Khrushchev or Tor Johnson on it, put it on your head, then pull your trousers or capris down to your ankles so you don't walk very well - and get what you want."


• "Cut your losses and bail if you don't get what you want all the time."


• "Hire someone to help you cope with crushing guilt over getting what you want."

The Pampered Soulless Honky's Guide To Singing The Blues

Here's an item that has circulated around the web for awhile. I have no clue who started it. Every time it goes around, another latte-swilling honky would-be writer (I plead guilty) tweaks with the copy. I encourage readers to do the same.

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
by Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin, with a few tweaks by Lazy-Eye Raspberry Kennedy and Phat Lemon Johnson)

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this mornin'.



2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin The Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."



3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound." Well, not that rhyme.



4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out. Unless you're the 43rd President Of The United States.



5. Blues cars: pre-milennium Chevys and cigarette-stained Caddies, broken-down trucks. The Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft? State-sponsored motor pools? Ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in The Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.



6. Teenagers can't sing The Blues. Most of them ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing The Blues. In The Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.



7. The Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson? Just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City? Still the best places to have The Blues. You can't have The Blues in any place that don't get rain.



8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't The Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator - or a scorned lover - chomped it is.



9. You can't have The Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. No, make that in the dumpster, way in.



10. Good places for The Blues:
    a. highway
    b. jailhouse
    c. homeless shelter
    d. empty bed
    e. no bed
    f. bottom of whiskey glass #17
    
    Bad places for the Blues
    a. ashrams
    b. gallery openings
    c. Ivy League institutions
    d. golf courses
    e. $1000/plate fundraisers
    



11. No one will believe it's The Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an older person who remembers the Great Depression, doesn’t resemble Richard Simmons - and you slept in it the past three nights.



12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
    Yes, if:
    a. you're older than dirt
    b. you're blind. . . and older than dirt
    c. you shot a man in Memphis. . . and you’re older than dirt
    d. you can't be satisfied, ever
    
    No, if:
    a. you have all your teeth
    b. you were once blind but now can see
    c. the man in Memphis lived and makes big bucks via infomercials
    d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
    



13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.



14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
    a. wine – must cost less than “two-buck Chuck”
    b. whiskey or bourbon – single-malts do not count
    c. muddy water
    d. black coffee – NOT from Starbucks
    
    The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    a. mixed drinks
    b. Manischevitz
    c. Diet Snapple
    d. Perrier
    e. SlimFast
    f. Decaf latte with soy milk
    



15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.



16. Some Blues names for women:
    a. Bad Luck Bessie
    b. Fat River Dumpling
    c. Big Bloody Mama
    d. Sadie Da Man Killa



17. Some Blues names for men:
    a. Joe
    b. Willie
    c. Joe Willie
    d. Little Willie
    e. Big Willie
    f. Joe Bob Willie (country blues)
    



18. Your name Sierra, Sequoia, Amber, Rainbow, Heather, Brittany, Muffy or Buffy? You can't sing The Blues - no matter how many men you shot in Memphis.



19. Make your own Blues Name (starter kit):
    a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) OR
    
    b. acceptable first name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon) PLUS
    
    c. last name of U.S. President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
    
    For example, Big Mama Washington, Joe Willie Nixon, Blind Apple Jefferson, Jakeleg Lime Johnson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")



20. I don't care how tragic your life is: you own a computer, you cannot sing The Blues. You best destroy it. . . by spilled fifths of Mad Dog and/or Wild Turkey, a crack pipe-induced fire or a sawed-off shotgun.

Election Year Advertising, 2004 Style by Paul F. Etcheverry

We're going to endure some charming examples of political ads in the coming weeks. Just in case you've been avoiding the inevitable sleazy, manipulative political commercials like mid-14th century folks wanted to avoid the black plague - and about as successfully - here's a reminder from the 2004 elections, a sterling example of deep pockets democracy in action.

The Swift Boat Veterans For Truth added yet another hard-hitting attack ad to their election arsenal. The latest alleges that John Kerry was not only "unfit for command" and loathed by his comrades in war, but brazenly listened to provocative materials throughout his Vietnam service.

The ad presents grainy black and white photos of a battery-powered cassette player - a newfangled contraption in the late 1960's - accompanied by two cassettes, one labeled. "Now if you zoom in real close on the labeled cassette," Swift Boat spokesman Richard O'Neill Corsi Rove claims, "you'll see the ugly, disgusting truth, which is crystal clear."

"I Enjoy Being A Girl" by Eartha Kitt

"The proof is in the proverbial perverted pudding," Rove charges, "John Kerry was listening to ‘I Enjoy Being A Girl’ in the Mekong Delta! Only a subversive, a traitor would listen to Eartha Kitt while shirking his patriotic duty and merely being struck by shrapnel and rice fragments. Do you want such scandalous, un-American behavior from your Commander-In-Chief?"

Why was this never disclosed to the public? "As a matter of fact", Rove adds, "the F.B.I. knew all about this in 1969, but the liberal president, Richard M. Nixon, suppressed the information." Sources close to the F.B.I., however, insist that the order came from the agency director.

Hoover, it turns out, was quite the fan of "I Enjoy Being A Girl", even owned a pristine vinyl pressing of Nancy Kwan's rendition of the ditty from Flower Drum Song.