Dear Psychotronic Paul

During a busy morning putting off accomplishing anything on the dreaded to-do list for as long as humanly possible, I perused my e-mails and found a request for relationship advice.

Although the mere thought of my offering helpful hints for the lovelorn - frankly, only an utter inability to bounce back quickly after getting dumped (and then resume the very Pepe LePew antics which earned the rejection in the first place) prevented me from enduring more matrimonial train wrecks and subsequent divorces than Zsa Zsa Gabor - provokes quite a laugh, here goes:

If you find yourself thinking about how much you want that special someone to:

• communicate in a forthcoming, open way



• be accountable for behavior, admit wrongdoing and apologize



• resolve conflicts together, not just unilaterally dictate terms



• acknowledge when communication problems arise and work together on tackling them head-on



• at least be present (emotionally, intellectually, spiritually as well as physically) some of the time



• treat you with respect and consideration



• be happy with you by his/her side - and not want to date others



• stop doing and saying things that seem calculated to drive one away



• consider you at least 1/17 as attractive as the poor love-starved bastard played by Emil Jannings found Marlene Deitrich's Lola-Lola in The Blue Angel

And NONE of the aforementioned things has been happening. . .

Stick a fork in it, it's DONE. End it, run, don't weaken - and don't go back.

Then grieve, rage, curse, run, go to the gym (take out your anger on inanimate objects or exorcise aggressions on exercise machines if need be), take as long as needed to heal and get on with your life.