Found hastily scribbled on dilapidated foolscap in the back of an abandoned 1995 Ford Taurus in Hoboken, New Jersey, the sometimes trenchant observations of Al Confucius Johnson, philosopher, slacker, beer drinker:
"The superior man is correctly firm, and not merely firm, but has a prescription for Viagra waiting at the pharmacy nonetheless."
"When anger rises, think of how much diabolical fun revenge can be!"
"I want you to be everything that's you, deep at the center of your being, until it's inconvenient."
"He who will not economize has one big-ass check coming from the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP)."
"You cannot open a dirty book without learning something."
"Everything has its beauty but undergoes plastic surgery anyway."
"Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue, but sell snake oil, derivatives and political parties exceptionally well."
"He who speaks without modesty will get laid."
"Those who neither speak slander that gradually soaks into the mind, nor statements that startle like a wound in the flesh, are . . . pretty much impossible to find in this life."
"The superior man thinks always of virtue; the common man thinks of comfort. The common man sells the superior man a La-Z Boy at 15% off."