Saturday, May 05, 2018

Trashy Trailers For A Saturday

It's a don't worry, we'll think of a title kind of day and, as we're enjoying listening to The Norman Bates Memorial Soundtrack Show on KFJC, the topic of today's post shall be trailers a.k.a. coming detractions.

While we're not big fans of sunshine, lollipops and rainbows at Way Too Damn Lazy To Write A Blog, we do like trailers from bad movies. No, let's make that trailers from very bad movies.

Have seen many of these movies in their entirety on Mystery Science Theater 3000, Cinema Insomnia or the live Cinematic Titanic and Rifftrax shows.

The following trailers are some lulus, and they come in extra cheesy flavors, just the way we like them at Way Too Damn Lazy To Write A Blog. We're amazed these fly-by-night production houses could even afford to make a trailer!

Then again, in the words of Mr. Lobo of Cinema Insomnia, they're not bad movies, just "misunderstood".

There's always the trailer to alert one to NOT watch the feature.

Some trailers actually show the ending of the film!

Others tip off the entire idea of the movie, in this case, "say, since that Batman TV show is the biggest boffo thing in showbiz, let's get a girl with ample cleavage and have her wear a Batwoman mask, then find a bunch of kids to dance the frug. Who needs a storyline?"

Continuing this cornucopia of cheap cinematic crap, the "coming detractions" trailer from The Mighty Gorga. Can a hard-working independent filmmaker produce a "rampaging dinosaur" epic on a budget of $1.50 and a three hour shooting schedule? No - definitely and emphatically!

If there could be a list of WTF??? and "why why why did this get produced???" movies, The Wild Women Of Wongo might be #1. Too bad Arthur Q. Bryan was not available to narrate the trailer in the voice of Elmer Fudd.

The YouTube channel of Something Weird Video, a company that specializes in the netherworld of "misunderstood" low, lower and no budget grindhouse movies, is the motherlode of schlock, trash and exploitation trailers.

Something Weird Video has assembled a vast lot of cinematic car wrecks one can't stop rubbernecking at - and we mean that as a compliment.

Here's a trailer for an indescribably terrible movie about a guy who, after a car accident, ends up as a preacher and ends up with a floozy - the cheap floozy to end all cheap floozies, strictly non-Screen Actors Guild variety. One imagines Doris Wishman, director/writer of Bad Girls Go To Hell and many more proudly sleazy (produced on-time and on-budget) exploitation flicks watched this one and took notes on how to make the tawdry storyline even more tawdry, with even less of a budget, less actors, less dialogue and less clothing.

The 7th Commandment was directed by Irvin Berwick, most certainly not a fan of sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, who also helmed the nearly as atrocious Monster Of Piedras Blancas. Funny, for some reason, it's always a pretty girl seen undressing before the gruesome murderous monster appears, as opposed to, say, Billy Sands, Maurice Gosfeld or Allan Melvin.

How does one close a post dedicated to flicks that will never, ever, be seen as part of the TCM Classic Film Festival? It is clear that, back in the 1980's, some fellows in the Twin Cities were watching these cinematic rejects and seeking the actual coming attractions trailers for said B-movies, as the boys of the KFJC Psychotronix Film Festival were doing in California.

Among the films this blogger has seen on Mystery Science Theatre 3000, Cinema Insomnia and Creature Features (and could not find a trailer for on YouTube), most infamous would be the one made by an El Paso fertilizer salesman, Manos: The Hands Of Fate.

Now THAT'S a great way to get the weekend started on the wrong track!

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