Good Advice by Paul F. Etcheverry

In a moment of sleep deprivation and, admittedly, bad habits-induced insecurity a couple of weeks back, I perused the Internet for 'advice'. My quick reaction: DON'T EVER DOOOOOOO THAT (in the immortal words of mid-1930's radio comic Joe Penner).

The relationship advice was the worst - and I fled the computer in complete disgust before even getting to the men's and women's magazines of the world. The gist of the online drivel was:

• "Conceal who you really are - never speak openly and candidly about anything - to get what you want."


• "Be somebody else to get what you want."


• "Dumb down - be a stupid shit to get what you want."


• "Do - or don't do - these specific things to manipulate that next person into having a mindless, drooling, brain-dead crush on you (A.K.A. play these games to get what you want)."


• "Give us your credit card number, and those of all your family members and business associates - and we'll give you the secret to attracting what you want in forty-six easy-to-digest lessons."


• "Make that person jealous to get what you want. Say you're wildly, insanely attracted to somebody else and keep rubbing it in, over and over, until you see the hurt bleeding from their eyes."


• "Become anorexic or get liposuction so you'll get what you want".


• "Break into an understaffed morgue, steal a handsome head and get it surgically attached. Or find an unattended extra-large mammal and whack its member off. . . or better yet, determine exactly where the pickled preserved penis of John Dillinger is located - and have it surgically attached, so you'll get what you want."


• "Guys, get a French maid outfit, wear it with pumps, apply Day-Glo ultramarine shadow, dance your best version of 'The Macarena' and sing 'There's No Business Like Show Business'. She'll go nuts and give you what you want."


• "Hollow out a pumpkin, carve a face resembling Nikita Khrushchev or Tor Johnson on it, put it on your head, then pull your trousers or capris down to your ankles so you don't walk very well - and get what you want."


• "Cut your losses and bail if you don't get what you want all the time."


• "Hire someone to help you cope with crushing guilt over getting what you want."